I attended this film's UK premiere at the London Film Festival, and everyone around me cared so much about the characters that I participated in the loudest gasp of shock I'd ever heard coming from a cinema audience. My mouth was gaping wide for a good 20 seconds.

And despite James Ponsoldt's promise, this could only be released on VOD since then.

For Christ's sake, Disney.

As a resident of Britain, I find the fact that Letterboxd just had to merge this and its Weinstein-handled version into one title a huge frustration. The British dub wasn't anything spectacular, but it did at least provide something relatively interesting - our childhood heroes kicking ass. The American version, however, comes courtesy of Hollywood's second bunch of meddlers and throws in needless pop culture references, fart jokes and a rather displeased Kevin Smith in a role that wasn't meant to speak, all under the implication that neither American children or their parents will recognise Dougal, or as Harvey Weinstein likes to call him, "Doogal". They're two very different movies. You're making me look like I appreciate a terrible movie, Letterboxd.

This movie gave me a burning headache.

But isn't that the point? Should I be appreciative of a movie for giving myself a reaction so ironic?




Nah, that would be stupid. It's the worst Marvel movie ever fuckin' made.

It's as if they know we only care about Scrat and have done since Ice Age 3, so they have to make the rest of the cast as boring as humanly possible just so he can continue being the part that makes our Hollywood food worth it. They did a damn good job at it if so.

The closer the release for this got, the more obvious it was becoming that it wouldn't be pretty. Not only did the final trailer showcase some painfully bad lines of dialogue, some of which thankfully aren't in the final film, but the studio removed and modifed scenes from what could have been a superior adaptation at the very least including major action set pieces, its director threw a fit on the set and its leading actors were ignored at Comic Con. Fox knew they had a stinker in their grasp, so they embargoed the reviews until before its UK release. Now it's here, and it's the worst-reviewed superhero, let alone Marvel, film in years. Worse than goddamn Ghost Rider 2. Having seen a hell of a lot of good movies this year and movies whose reviews flat-out lied to me, I just had to see it just to find out how bad it really was. It's not made by complete assholes, after all.

This version of Fantastic Four is basically 2015's Amazing Spider-Man 2, but could be best described as Marvel's Man of Steel. It's dark for some reason and it spends its first two fifths with promise leading up to misguided superhero clutter. But honestly, I don't really think it's as terrible as its Tomatometer suggests. Oh, it's a weirdly produced movie. It's humourless and any attempts at comic relief fall flat, and it's on a similar level of boring to the first Tim Story film, but before the one-year timeskip it's not that bad of a reimagining. The way the 4 and Doom are introduced are interesting enough, a slight subversion of what other attempts at adapting the heroes have done that kinda works. Of course, with great irresponsibility comes great power. Heh heh. Problem is, thanks to fan backlash, Doom is an American-born computer guy retaining the birth name "Victor von Doom", which can't be taken seriously in a movie that tries too hard to be on par with Fox's X-Men movies (unless it's for the same cause as "Johnny Storm").

This is all before things get worse quality-wise. Some of the acting, for instance. A good chunk of the effects are some of the fakest that can be found in a Hollywood production this year, depending on which VFX studio produced it. The writing gets cheesier and cheesier, leaving its dark tone feeling all the more out of place. The music has a freaking odd Spielbergian vibe to it (even the movie early on feels kind of like a poor man's Super 8), and gradually becomes the second worst thing about it. It's a chore to decide which is the real problem - 20th Century Fox's meddling, or the director of Chronicle himself (though apparently, the former seems likely). And yet, the whole thing didn't make me angry. My facial expression more or less lived up to the team's faces on the poster while watching it. It's a film I didn't like but would rather see over Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern or the Ghost Rider films any day.

Still, it's not worth seeing unless you feel you've seen too many quality movies, find yourself talking too little about the latest films or just want to keep up with the superhero craze, because otherwise just let it bomb and, if in North America, see Shaun the Sheep instead. If elsewhere, I hear The Gift's pretty great. Because unless a deal is made with Kevin Feige, these heroes ain't going to get a fantastic film adaptation any time soon.

Despite being cute and more lighthearted than and deviating in style and conventions from other parody films, keeping several (minor) chuckles at times and some surprisingly believable character development, it unfortunately just isn't smart enough to think up a really, really funny joke and 75% of the time ends up being a fairly dull attempt at satirising the cornball camp comedy trend of the 80's.

Props to the filmmakers for casting H. Jon Benjamin as a talking can, though.

My emotions during this movie:

JOY: Isn't this movie so creative and lovely?
ANGER: Better than that stupid volcano short.
DISGUST: So far, yeah. But I saw a barenaked girl butt. If anyone starts picking their nose, I've lost all faith in Pixar and Hollywood forever.
JOY: Aww, but you liked Shaun the Sheep too!
DISGUST: Kind of. But you liked Minions!
JOY: *shrugs* We have our guilty pleasures.
*the pizza joke comes up*
JOY: *bursts with laughter, punching the buttons*

*later*

ANGER: *munching on his sweets in anticipation*
DISGUST: *sitting far away* Hm, so far so good!
JOY: So far so great!
FEAR: *traumatised by the events* Yeah. Great...
SADNESS: It's not making me very happy... *sobs*
FEAR: You're telling me! They are gonna find a way around this, aren't they?
JOY: We hope for the best, Fear. And Sadness...
SADNESS: *sniffles* Yeah?
JOY: Even if they don't make it, get yourself prepared. I hear this movie's made millions of Americans cry.
SADNESS: *smiles, with tears still in her eyes*
FEAR: Boy, this is an experience, isn't it? The three of us teaming up like this.
JOY: Yeah! Disgust over there is just enjoying the show and Anger is saving his disappointment in John Lasseter for another time! Truly this is a movie made for at least three of us, the only emotions we require to enjoy a perfect family movie. We need joy, for the characters who connect with us and make us laugh. Fear, for when those we care about are faced with tragedy and doom with only an ounce of luck to help them survive. And Sadness, for...
ANGER: God damn it, there are TWO flies in the way?! *dashes over to the controls and pulls the switch*