Do what everyone else is doing and cut most of the animals and any sign of them and Nate out, strip the film of much of its fantasy and Storks is nothing more than a story of a lonely young woman with severe schizophrenia and a disorder in which she takes an impending mishap to an extreme, seeking not just a family but a friend that exists outside her subconscious. The saddest, most existential family film of 2016.

See what I mean by clicking here.

From an artistic standpoint, it's painfully mainstream; Leonardo DiCaprio is a marvel at just about everything except speaking intelligibly. But still, the world must be reminded how serious and important this is somehow, right? This is a Nat Geo doc using the production of The Revenant to prove a point, after all.

Produced by RatPac, a unit of Brett Ratner, James Packer and Steve Mnuchin, the latter of whom apparently had nothing to contribute to this film. Wonder why?

Ballerina is a strange idea for a Neon Demon prequel indeed. Elle Fanning escapes orphan reclusiveness as an angry man chases her and Knight of Cups' Dane DeHaan on a motorcycle - both are destined to have the entirety of Paris and beyond recognise them for their artistic capabilities. The girl wants to dance, the boy is trying his best to invent. Sorry it isn't reverse, 2016 generation. But despite her efforts under the training of a former dancer, a Lady-Tremaine-type snoot wants this aspiring ballerina to stay imperfect, envisioning ballet as a source of power. So yes, in terms of French orphanage toons, clearly this story isn't anything close to the wonderful My Life as a Courgette.

But it gets worse. With a film built by the newly-founded L'Atelier, from the writer-producers of Heartbreaker and The Intouchables, you'd expect some sort of subversive merit that partly resembles Dragon DreamWorks in story and overall quality as well as artistry and maturity à la The Little Prince. See it and you'll sadly see this isn't entirely the case. L'Atelier rigs a gorgeous replica of Paris at the time when the Eiffel Tower was halfway through completion, but plays it as safe and Canadian as possible, inserting not only such clichés as chase scenes but unnecessary disgusting gags, an inability to shut up and a jarring lineup of modern pop in the vein of Home.

I admit to chuckling several times from several of Félicie's rival ballerinas, and being somewhat enamoured when the story takes a break from the Hollywood spunk, including some superb dance performances under mo-cap that contrast to the real animation in a similar fashion to the early years of Betty Boop, but it's very much a Weinstein'd piece of animation, from the fart jokes and forced pratfalls to the ad-libbing, in a time when studios like Disney and Cartoon Network are beginning to warm up to the concept of feminism without dumbing their audience down (for better and for worse).

This arrives in the UK a month from now; in the meantime, you want to inspire your daughter? Show them Long Way North, Queen of Katwe or Disney's latest three animated releases. If they're not excited by the former two, turn on Ste............ar vs. the Forces of Evil. We live in an age where anyone can be an inventor or a dancer no matter what gender, but also should find more to connect with than formulaic stupidity. But if you do want to have a good time with your kids no matter how juvenile what you're watching is, I know a certain other comedy about an orphan redhead that's right up your alley. And she is cuuuuuuuuute.

Process this: award nominee Ava DuVernay put her take on racial injustice onto Netflix for the world to see with Trump as part of the problem, a feat that earned mass critical acclaim, and it was Dinesh D’Souza whose one-sided, right-wing bullshit emerged victorious. Dinesh D’Souza. THE WORST DOCUMENTARIAN AND FILMMAKER TO WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

People of the earth, including but not limited to the US, Mexico and the UK, please unite. Protest, migrate, teach, respect, represent, watch this movie. Do everything in your power to make sure a comedy like this does not grow quite as scary quite so suddenly.

Next time you imagine an animated fantasy where pixies perform songs familiar with the mainstream crowd under the spell of love, or happy-go-lucky trolls protect themselves from the taller, meaner, uglier individual, or even where fantastical creatures defecate candy, think about your life choices.

Here's a fun little activity for animation enthusiasts:
Watch every single Betty Boop cartoon you can from her inception to her demise, with the inclusion of some Screen Songs if necessary. This short in particular is fun so far, yes.

But pay attention to Betty.

Judge her not from her ever-changing personality, but from a visual standpoint.

Watch if you want how she goes from dog to human, but when the Hays Code kicks in, pay close attention as her face becomes more and more polished and her head shrinks down so small it loses cartoonish value. Watch how those eyes slowly but surely resemble anime more than Japanese artists ever gave her credit for, and how high up her mouth is. Still adorable, but you can't deny you've seen better.

You done? Now go all the way back to this short, look straight at canine Betty, and see what you haven't thought of the whole time you've been watching these cartoons.

That's right. There's never been a better Betty.

Grim Natwick, everyone.

When you ask an American where babies come from:
"Babies come from a factory and storks deliver them. And their hair is dyed like the rainbow before delivery!"

When you ask a Frenchman where babies come from:
"Exploding willies."

This movie is a miracle.

In his past few films, Paul Dano has played a Beach Boy who just so happened to morph into John Cusack, dressed up in Hitler attire for no reason and taught a corpse with an insatiable boner the meaning of life.

Paul Dano is a godsend and you know it.